I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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