Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
