And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Buhtt sex?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
