Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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