Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
