do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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