Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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