So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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