Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
