My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
