i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
