the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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