Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
