got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
