can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
