she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
