Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
