My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
