he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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