Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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