I faked an abortion last night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
