as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
there is another microwave in the elevator.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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