I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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