Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize