i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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