Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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