just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
