No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
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Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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