I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
