ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
