Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
