I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize