Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
