I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
