Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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