my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
