I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
