For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
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He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
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I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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