He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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