Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
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I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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