dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
