I think i peed on brittanys purse
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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