And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Two words: nipple clamps
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