12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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