Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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