I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
