I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
