nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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