maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I have already put on my inside pants.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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