Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
