U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
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