So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
