At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
