Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
