Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
