My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
