I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Liz is crying about burritos again.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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