who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..