Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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